Sunday, May 9, 2010

The woman who made me a mother

I don't feel like today was my first Mother's Day. However, today was the first Mother's Day that I didn't spend with a headache from crying so much. Today was the first Mother's Day that my arms weren't empty. Today was the first Mother's Day that didn't have to force myself to go to church. In fact, today was my first Mother's Day that I didn't have an emotional breakdown while in church. In fact, I really didn't pay much attention this week to the fact that is was Mother's Day. Usually, I start worrying about it weeks in advance. I usually start planning weekend getaways and my game plan for dealing with the heartache this day brings. I like to away from home on this day so I can go to church somewhere else where nobody knows my story and I don't have to hear "It will happen someday for you". In fact, due to my lack of attention to Mother's Day, I forgot to send my own mother a card. (Sorry Mom).

I asked Ryan if he felt like today was my first Mother's Day. He replied "No, I've always thought of you as the mother of my children". And that brought more tears to my eyes.

So I went to church today and I stayed for all of church today. First time in at least 7 or 8 years. I did get teary during the meetings. First because I was holding Landon in my arms. And second because I still feel that longing. Longing to be able to create life. But those thoughts soon gave way to thoughts of gratitude for Ashley. This is the woman that made me a mother. Because of her, my arms are no longer empty. She choose us to be Landon's parents.

1 comment:

Judith said...

Wow Carrie, I was going through the emails left on my blog and so came upon your blog. I love this post. I'm sorry for the heartache you've felt with your situation, but I rejoice that your arms are no longer empty and that you feel such gratitude for Landon's birth mom.

What a lucky little boy. He has such an amazing smile.