Thursday, July 24, 2008

Infertility and adoption (and a shot in the bum)

I have never in my life seen Ryan as petrified as he was this morning at 8:55am. He had a 4 inch needle in his hand ready to give me a shot in the behind. I was trying to hide my extreme fear (although he saw right through my act) and he was trying to not convulse too hard. He did it just fine and it didn't feel any different then when a nurse injects me, but it was pretty scary for just a few seconds. I knew I had to trust him, after all, he was holding the needle.

Warning - Serious topic with some brutal honesty and emotion - I just went back and re-read the paragraph below. Most times I write these emails for a specific audience. The audience being family and keeping you all up to date on what is going on in our lives. However, this started like that for your all and yet it ended up being more for me and very therapeutic for me than anything else. I was going to delete it all, and save you all from having to read it, but after some thought I decided to leave it.

We went to our adoption classes today. This is our 3rd time attending the training. At least in Colorado you only have to go once per adoption, California you have to go every year. Anyways, these trainings are always emotionally draining. It always gives us a lot to talk about, a lot of information to process, and perhaps the biggest thing, it brings a lot of feelings/emotions to the surface. The best way I can describe it is that infertility is the loss of something you never had. The analogy was given today about decorating a Christmas Tree and getting ready to put all your presents underneath and then it is all taken away before you have a chance to enjoy it. And that is what we grieve, the intangible loss. There is no grave to visit, no pictures to look at and remember, no memories to recall. How can you lose what you never had?

On a side note, they did talk about looking for the positive in our situations. Ryan and I have had more than 8 years of married life to be just a couple. 8 years of just us. No kids and minimal responsibilities. Time to get to know each other before the added stress of kids and additional responsibilities. If we want to stay up all night and sleep the next day, we can do it. We want to take off on a last minute weekend trip, we can.

We are "dinks" ( double income, no kids) and have had some amazing opportunities to do lots of fun things and visit lots of places and we have had some unbelievable trips. I would gladly have given up those things to have had kids (and lots of them) but this must have been what Ryan and I needed. Our current situation is nothing close to what I wrote about my senior year of high school ("Where will you be in 10 years?" essay), but there must be a reason for all of this.

So at the end of this eruption of feelings all I can say is that there must be a reason and I might never know the purpose, but my part is making the best out of what I've been given.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Whirlwind house closing

So we were supposed to close on the house on Wednesday the 16th of July (1 week after the offer was accepted) but it was delayed. They called on Friday about 11:15 and said we could close, but it was a busy afternoon so the closing might need to be the next week. I pushed and said we need it to be squeezed in today so that we can have the weekend to move. So at 11:45 they called back and said be here at 1pm. I called Ryan and had him come home from work and we left right away to go close.

We signed our life away, form after form after form after form after form and then went and rented a carpet cleaning machine and started cleaning the carpets in the new house. We rented a U-haul truck that night and the next morning we woke up bright and early and started loading the van. It took us 3 1/2 hours to load it just the two of us. As you know most Saturdays here are cooler, but the one Saturday that cool weather would be appreciated - it is 95 degrees! We started unloading and were about ready to drop dead and some neighbors came over to help. They spotted me in Capri's and a T-shirt and wondered if we were Mormon too since I was modestly clothed in the extreme (for Colorado) heat. They literally saved us! It helped it go faster and it motivated us. And they invited us to dinner on Sunday which was the absolute nicest thing they could have done after having helped us unload.

So neither of us are pet people...but moving in here solidified in our minds that we will never have indoor pets. There is dog hair everywhere. It took me two hours to clean the fridge/freezer and rid it of all it's dog hair. Disgusting! It was a single dad that lived here for two years so that stereotype of a dirty house of a single male proved true for us. While I cleaned the fridge, Ryan spent those hours ridding the tub/bathroom of it's dog hair collection. Get this - we can only give 30 day notice at our apartment on the first of the month. So we gave our notice on July 10th, but we are still responsible for rent for all of July and August. They said they will try to rent it sooner, but who knows if it will rent before then. We are both a little overwhelmed at unpacking mostly because the house was so dirty when we moved in. But we could not stay another night at the marijuana infested, music blasting, loud neighborhood apartment, so our current method is to clean a spot/counter/cupboard/closet and then unpack that space.

Ryan has been amazing at home repairs. The washing machine leaked, the sink in the laundry room needed to be removed, the kitchen sink leaked, the screen door to the patio was broken and the list goes on and on. But he has fixed or is fixing all of those and the list only gets longer every day.

I wonder what we will have accomplished in a year? Will the house be in better shape? Will we still have boxes to unpack? Better yet, will we have furniture in the house?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Beck Bash, Birthday and a few other odds and ends

I wrote this last week and then the whirlwind of the house closing happened and I never sent it. Sorry :)

Last week was certainly an eventful week for us! Aside from Ryan buying me a house for my birthday, the day was rather uneventful. We had frozen pizzas for dinner. I had saved my leftover birthday cheesecake from Mom's and busted that out for dessert. (Ryan ate the rest of the fruit pizza that night). Ryan gave me the best presents ever. An 8x8 oven pan and a scrubbie for doing dishes. I know those don't seem fun, but I needed them so bad and it really does make my life easier so i thought they were the perfect gifts :)

It's been interesting looking for a job. It's amazing what a job loss can do to your needs and wants and spending habits. First I have to say that I have been pretty lucky to keep this job as long as I have. First in Oklahoma, and then to work from home here. So I knew I would eventually be leaving the company, I just thought I would have more notice.

Things I thought I needed, I don't really need. I was making a skirt last week and I didn't have the right shade of thread. Before I would have just gone and bought the right shade (with a 40% coupon of course). Instead I just used some that I had that was an almost match and probably nobody even noticed the thread being a bit off. I know thread is only like $1 or $2, but I've started looking at ways to cut back. I've had a job since I was 15 and it is a bit scary to not be bringing some money in. I would just feel lazy and like I was not contributing to our finances. Ryan keeps telling me not to worry about it, but I can't help it. I've just been a working woman for so long.

It's hard looking for a job. How do I respond when I am asked "what are your career goals?" I don't want to lie, but I don't really have career aspirations. So i have to look at it as what if we never have kids and I do have a career. Then I can usually come up with a good answer. At first I was going to take whatever job I could get, receptionist, whatever. Then I decided that if I have to work, I at least want to enjoy it and feel like I am being paid enough to make it worthwhile. So if I don't have a job when this ones ends, I think I will do temp work while I continue to look for a good job :)

I went on a sewing kick last weekend. I made 1 skirt and 2 dresses. Turned out pretty well. Both needed some alternations and those alterations actually were successful.

Ryan has being doing some different things at work which he says is nice although I suspect he misses playing horseshoes with paperclips and highlighters. The pressure became too great this week to overcome so he had to join the union. He can't wait until he gets certified and he can quit the union and we can keep that 1.5% of his salary.

The Beck Bash was great. Pond play and we finally had enough intertubes for us all. It's pretty deep too (like 15 feet). We just had to keep away from the pump on one end of the pipe on the other end. Lara brought her significant other for us to meet. We played 6 square (four square, but the court has 6 squares) and dodge ball on the tramp. Having never had a tramp i know very little tricks. I did learn how to bounce of my back and land back up on my feet. I'm sure we looked hilarious as we were practicing.

The boys all went hunting. They shot a skunk. And while they were walking back to the house, Ryan stepped in a sink hole up to this thigh. He came home pretty dirty, but at least he didn't smell like skunk.

We went shooting guns. Kevin had some pretty sweet handguns he let us try. Each year I forget the kick on Dad's magnum handgun. We set up targets and then we get to see how we did. I at least managed to hit the target with each round on the big guns. I was pretty good with the 22. We also shot clay pigeons with shotguns. It was nice to break out "my" gun again. Ryan had to remind me how to load it. I might have hit at least 1 clay pigeon, but so we don't waste them we have a primary and back up on each launch. Madre and I just decided that we both could shoot whenever we want. On the last one I really thought I hit it. But so did Madre. Apparently we fired at the same time and didn't hear the other one fire. Long story, we're not sure who hit it, but one of us did. We made it home in 6 1/2 hours. We filled up in Vernal and made it the rest of the way home without stopping again.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I've become a statistic

Bad news first - I've become a statistic. One of the statistics that represents companies laying off their employees. I found out on Tuesday I'm getting laid off from my current job. My boss called me and it sounded like they wanted me to resign right then, but I fought hard and told them it isn't fair to cut me off that day (unless they were going to offer a severance package). They will keep me on until July 31st. The rest of our department has been reassigned to other contracts and special projects. They did lay off a whole bunch of other people on another contract. So the job hunt started as soon as I hung up the phone with her.

I knew it would happen sooner or later, after all the job was in California. I was lucky they let we work in Oklahoma while I was there and for the two months we spent here in Colorado. But still...I hate job hunting.

On to happier things - The landlord came by yesterday and asked how things were going. I didn't really answer and she asked if we had problems with our neighbors. Then I just blurted it out! I ratted them out on the marijuana smoking. The landlord said she had other complaints about them being really loud and other things. Needless to say there was no marijuana smoking last night. I'm not sure why, but it was absolutely heaven to be able to open the windows and cool the house down.

I went on a sewing kick before my layoff. Monday I made a shirt, Tuesday I made a skirt. My goal was to make something every day, but the layoff has had be devoting time to job searching and applying. In efforts to save gas (and money) this week we walked to Walmart for groceries. We also walked to the library. Walmart is about a 3 mile round trip. The library was 5 miles round trip. It was a really good walk. We'll probably do it next week as well.

I'm picking Ryan up from work at 3:30 and were leaving for the Ranch. It's 7 hours so with making no stops (well, one for gas), we should get there about 10:30 or 10:45. We're all packed and ready to go. I'm making dinner (ensalada de atun) to take and eat on the way.